My boyfriend wants me to get an abortion. What do I do?

Finding out you are pregnant can ignite many strong, and sometimes conflicting, emotions in both you and your partner. 

If you are unexpectedly pregnant, you might be feeling a lot of pressure from your partner to choose abortion. But maybe you’re not sure that’s what you want. Pressure from those you love can make the decision even more conflicting.

It’s important to remember that no one can make you have an abortion or choose something you are not comfortable with. 

Here are helpful steps to take when your boyfriend or father of the baby wants you to get an abortion.

My boyfriend wants an abortion but I’m not sure. What do I do?

What do YOU want? What are YOU feeling?

So you know how he feels about the pregnancy, but how do you feel? 

Ask yourself, “Do I want an abortion? Is this the best decision for me and my body? Will I regret this decision later?”

It’s easy for emotions to become overwhelming. It’s especially easy to make rash decisions based on your current emotions. Emotions are constantly changing, so although your emotions should inform your decision, they shouldn’t be the only thing to consider. You can avoid regret by giving yourself time and space to come to a decision, instead of making one in the heat of an emotional moment. 

Sometimes writing out your thoughts and emotions can help you clear your mind and identify what you’re really feeling. It’s helpful to decide what you want before you let others’ opinions and feelings sway yours.

 You can feel confident in what is best for you when you understand how you are feeling.

Talk to him

During an unexpected pregnancy, communication with your partner is super important. 

He wants you to get an abortion, but do you know why? Sit down with him and discuss why he thinks this is the best option. Does he feel like he’s not ready to be a father? Does he feel like his freedom will be taken away? Does he think finances are a problem?

Maybe he told you, “I support whatever decision you choose,” but you know deep down he really hopes you “make the right decision” of choosing the option he thinks is best. 

Letting such a big decision rest on you alone is a lot of pressure! What if later he decides that he doesn’t support your decision and blames you for it? Sometimes saying “I support whatever you choose” can be used to avoid having a difficult but important conversation about both of your fears and hopes.  It’s okay for you to express that you care about what he’s thinking too. 

Once you know why he thinks abortion is the best option, tell him how you feel about it. Tell him your concerns, your fears, and why you might not agree with what he wants. If he is a good partner, he will listen carefully and respond with respect and understanding.

Ultimately you are the one who has the final say in your pregnancy. However, the baby is still yours together. Try to settle disagreements and create a plan that is best for you, your partner, and the baby.

What if you can’t agree on a decision and every conversation turns into a fight? Every relationship has fights which can be magnified when making big decisions. How you fight and resolve conflict during this decision you’re currently making could be a good indicator of whether your relationship is healthy or not.

Determine if your relationship is healthy

How did your boyfriend react when you tried to talk to him about your pregnancy? Did he listen? Did he get angry? Did he use harsh words and blame you? 

Maybe you’re afraid to talk to him because he might react strongly or make you feel ashamed. This begs the question, “is my relationship really healthy?” 

A healthy relationship looks like: 

• Mutual respect
• Open communication
• Loyalty 
• Understanding
• Kind and gentle words
• Support
• Joint decision making
• Being slow to anger 

A healthy partner will recognize your worth and treat you likewise. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you might see opposite behaviors. 

Signs of an unhealthy relationship: 

• Controlling
• Unsupportive
• Poor communication
• Co-dependency
• Dishonesty
• Disrespect
• Hostility
• Manipulation
• Verbal abuse
• Physical and sexual abuse

If any of these things are present in your relationship, you might be thinking that an abortion would be the safest option, but this is not always the case. What you need the most at this moment is support and for someone to care for YOU. ThriVe can be that support system for you during your pregnancy decision and beyond. 

If you recognize that your partner is mistreating you, call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) for help.

Find the right support

It’s normal to want support throughout your pregnancy and while raising a child. If your boyfriend or father of the child won’t agree on a decision and you still want the baby, it’s time to find support from others.

Your support group can consist of your family, friends, and local organizations. There are countless organizations ready to help you with pregnancy options, finances, housing, support, and more. 

At ThriVe Express we are here to support you. We offer free appointments to talk through options and connect you with helpful resources. Schedule an appointment to talk with an advocate and our licensed medical professional today.

Remember, at the end of the day, the decision is yours to make no matter what anyone tells you.